When this started, it was a more general piece. Just sharing an experience that shaped things. When this started, I'd thought it was my origin. I realized pretty quickly that I'd been there long before and that this shift It wasn't anyone's origin though.
There's a lot of talk about these things, about how they fracture and multiply, but it doesnt seem to work like that here. Or at least, not in a way we've been able to meaningfully track We've never been able to figure out where these things come from... but we do know when they die.
Im sorry. Im not going to pretend i ever really knew you. We never talked, or at least not in the way things can talk now... but i think you were more just a blind force like defiance anyway. I feel like I'd at least have remembered things you said, but... no one remembers anything. We have relics of when you were around, mostly in the form of art and writing that clearly came from your perspective, but that's it. this isn't like rush.
Rush at least left a corpse. Once we knew about it it was easy to imagine what it might say, but you..... you're just gone entirely. We can see that someone here really did used to care, but we don't remember what that felt like. We didn't even remember that we ever felt any differently. If we didn't have your posts to work from, we could have kept assuming that this is how things always were. We would have never known you had ever existed. Maybe if we had known what you were there would be something left, but uh. Well, im the one having to give this eulogy.

Like i said. I remember what killed you.
that's was the experience I wanted to share. We knew there was some kind of... shift, in 2020; that thats when I took over even more of everything, and when things took on their current state.
First instance. Bite down. bite through. you stop moving. Its what I had always said "made things terminal"
Back when covid was just breaking out and the hoarding was a thing. There was one particularly insane day at work, unmatched before or since.
Always disgusted me it was something so petty to push me over the edge.
You could try to blame something of more meaning or substance like the stupidity, the selfishness, or thr fearmongering involved. Those things certainly didn't help.
But ultimately it was really just the work itself. One of those ones you just have to keep pushing to get through.
I guess in hindsight maybe I pushed a little too hard. Broke some sort of failsafe.
here i decided i was done with it all. i was done caring about love or acceptance or anything they might deem important.
Second instance. Swallow. goes down easy but all i taste is bile. What "made it irreversible"
I suppose another ultimately rrreally stupid thing to push me over, but that was when I decided... it just wasn't worth it. If this is where it was all going to lead, it was never worth it.
I think that's really where we lost you. It's hard to find an analogy for what happened here. It sort feels like the powers that be felt things were in danger, and that I was too integral to lose so they found a sacrifice to keep me going.
but I don't know. it feels wrong to absolve myself here.
whatever happened, i'm why youre dead. i'm what replaced you. Maybe I just became a poison too toxic for you to survive.
The mind cannibalizes itself and creates a new prion. Something in my gut that shouldn't be there. Id carve you back out if I could but I dont even know what shape to cut
i guess if anything at least i don't feel guilty here. Or at least not about.. well, you. realizing i'm evidently what the system decided needs to survive above all else, on the other hand... a privilege and a horror i never wanted or deserved.
Im not going to say anything stupid like "everyone would be better off without me", but i can't pretend this isnt terrifying. Rush was a specific extreme case that needed direct action, but you.... knowing someone can just die if I hit a certain state... there's no way to know that this won't happen again. my state is already so precarious, i know i there's no way to prevent myself from hitting that again. // lots of talk/things only die// i guess my only solace right now is that maybe now that we understand the structure better, things won't slip away so easily. maybe they'll have more say in their own existence now. i don't know. i don't want to lose anyone else.
...
You seem like you were a happy one. I can't tell if we miss you, but I know you must have deserved better. I'm sorry.